| sit back |
[Sunday 12/11/06 at 11:04pm ] |
productivity eludes me
sex is an offchance overwhelming idea that i want at all the wrong times
revisions on essays
studying that needs to be done that doesnt get done
CNN
badass barbie and ken
broken rear windsheild wipers insurance companys shandanken sherriff offices
big strides long hand holds
stoner qualities and rakin the money in
the legacy will never end
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[Tuesday 17/10/06 at 7:20pm ] |
so i might have something that oculd turn into cancer.
thats what my mom said. something like irregular cells in my body. they found this out because of that fuckin pap smear thing.
its calle ASCUS. or sometrhing like that. it could be benign or whatever. i dunno. i dont really have the power to freak out. if it turns out this is like some pre-cancerious bug thing then they can fix it before it gets all crazy and shit. weird, right?
so i went to therapy today. chris waited in the waiting room and fell asleep. he looked so fuckin cute with his hat over his face. like the western movies. my good ol cowboy.
theres a youth group fuckin retreat that robs kids are doing. they asked me to do it with them. its all about how to "communicate" and "express our feelings" and shit like that. fuckin bull shit. part of me wants to do it for my mom. the other part of me thinks its all bullshit. i have to camp out tommorow night. i dont want to fuckin camp out and then wake up and have to go to work. i really really dont wanna.
friday me chris chelsea ant and some of his friends are going out to a club in poughkeepsie. but first me chelsea and the knight are stopping off at giggles to get us girlies a cute outfit for the club... it should be fun.
i shouldnt have had sex with chris today. what if this ASCUS shit is tra
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ok so that was a draft i guess thaat got saved from the summer
we never went to giggles
chris didn't come out with us
and theres no news on my vagina cells or whatever the hell they are
im gonna be a cop for halloween and fuck around with the undercovers
ive decided to stay another year.. get my associates in somethingm take a half a year off, the other half ill just get my liscense in massage herapy
im gathering all that i can.
i made corn bread last night.
i gota little drunk at the staff party on sunday. and craaazy high. i shouldnt have driven home but there was no one sober to get me home so i just did it myself. took me a shitload of time but i did it.
not that im proud, its just a statement
i love my car stereo. its beautiful. what ahppenes if me and chris break up.. that stero is gonna be like a fuckin reminder any time i go anywhere
chris is an overall good guy.
he has another dart game tonight. i want to try and go to one. maybe during my winter break before we go to canada.
canada. i wnt to skate on the canal in ottowa. do some romantic shit.
i want to have sex in a cab.
financially im like a fuckin hammock. theres a lot of holes in my plan. hah that was the fuckin worst analogy ive ever heard in myy life.. damn,.
im hungry and my boots have holes in the bottom.
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| shes not the type to be enticed by fake ice |
[Saturday 1/7/06 at 8:24pm ] |
so, what does this mean, anyway?
me and chris.. are what we are.
in inbetween feelings
half of me falls for him hard, the other half is pretty much indifferent. and in the middle... well... in the middle i still cant stop thinking about how easy it was just to have sex with ben. how flirty ang giggly things were with sal. speaking of, im actually going to his house for a BBQ. trvor, will, chimi, ian, joe and some other kids are gonna be there.
i guess it will be good.
it wasn't my intention to hang out with sal tonight.
initially i was going to chill with chris. we were going to seans grad party.
he came over after we both got off work.
we had sex.
oh yeah, sex. about that.... i dont know if sex is all that its chalked up to be. i dunno. its just ok sex. its lustful in the begginning... but then, then i get bored. maybe i need so spice things up a bit? im planning on going shopping for some "outfits" the next day i have off. im thinking a maids outfit would be pretty cute. we'll see how it goes.
but back todtoday. so after being hit on by some lesbians and popping a shitload of advil, chris came over.
i was planning on cooking (me, cooking, this is big) all i got to do was bring him water.
we had sex.
he left.
because he "had to go home" so he could "get rest"
left me feeling kinda like shit.
its so fuckin risky being in a relationship.
he plans for the future, with me in it. but guys could say ANYTHING to get into your pants. thats what makes me nervous.
he;s older. different priorities.
what if im only falling for him because he's doing all the gentlemenly things that most guys do anytway, but he's the first one i met, so i immediatley like him?
is this going anywhere?
so, im gonna go drink ym beer(s) and wait for amanda. so we can rock this BBQ like no other.
what do i say to sal...
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[Monday 12/6/06 at 6:12pm ] |
i havent updated this in a while.
probably a half a year or a whole year, actually.
so much has happened to me since i moved up here....
im moving into a trailer down the road. but still on our property.
im with the most amazing boy ever.
but im a pussy, and im scared shitless of loving him too much.
its been a while since ive broken the habit of casual sex with ben. speaking of, he called me the other day. wants to hang out. i dont really know what to say to him...at all actually.
so back to my knight in shining armor:
his name is chris.
he's....older. about 23.
turns 24 on august 12th.
he's a leo. and half irish.
just like another chris i know... funny how everything circles back to you....
i took him to the hospital because a golf cart rammed into him. i was so worried i felt like throwing up. i drove his "truck"
its really an SUV with stickers and shit. its a whale, basically.
i told my mom i wanted to move out. we're in the process of figuring everything out.
im trying to get my senoir liscence...MV-44 or something? i dunno.
i have a math final tommorow. but i really just dont care. at all.
i do, but i dont.
im more anxious about chris.
this is what worries me. so much of me has been invested in this and i dont want to lose him. he means so much to me.
he leaves me notes. signs them "love,chris"
he kisses my hand like im a princess
and calls me darling
and is ok with the fact that i need to wait to have sex until im on birth control
(which is soon, trust me. this man is too fine to keep on hold!)
he calls
and makes time
hes genuine
sincere
and came over for dinner!?!
no boy has ever done that.
but then again i think thee circumstances have always been a little different...
i turned down sal. for chris.,
more on that later
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[Tuesday 7/6/05 at 10:28pm ] |
i dont like what i jsut wrote. at all.
i sound so selfish.
this is such an unreal situation. life is so fucking fragile its unbelievable.
i told my mom over dinner. we cried.
i called everyone i knew and had numbers for and told them wht ahppened and that i was checking in because this is one of those situtaions that really make you sit up and count every second you breathe, because you're not always going to have those seconds to count.
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| HEY BEEN TRYING TO MEET YOU MMHMMM HEY MUST BE A DEVIL BETWEEN US OR WHORES IN MY HEAD |
[Tuesday 7/6/05 at 9:48pm ] |
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mood |
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 this doesnt even explain |
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music |
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"im doing cartwheels" |
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and if my parents are crying then ill dig a tunnel from my window to yours, you climb out the chimney and meet me in the middle, the middle of the town since theres no one else around we let our hair grow long and forget all we used to know then our skin gets thicker from living out in the snow
tradgedys. i hate how they are what jolt us into this harsh reality. 6 years old.
would anyone like to help make a giant card for alex with me?
.....
i hate vinnie. i really really do. and ihate how i end up in these crap ass situations with guys where they jsut fuck with my head. he has such a huge ego and is so fucking obnoxious i cant even go into it. ARGHDJHFKJDSHAFKJGHHDFKHGKH
im becoming a lesbian. thats all there is to it. martina we're getting married. hahahaha.
louis made me a mix and i absolutley LOVE it. im making him a collage in return. of what.. im not sure. maybe things that make people smile.
i need to study for an english final of which im kind of half unprepared for.
i feel like shit. im probably getting my period.
latley rob has been REALLY SUPER annoying. i feel like strangling someone.
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| hoool-y shiiiitt i love how accurate this is. FO SHO |
[Monday 6/6/05 at 8:20pm ] |
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Things may be going smoothly in most areas of your life right now, merrilee, but if anything is going awry, it is your love life. Confusion is apt to set in when both you and your partner want to start something new - perhaps a new phase in your relationship, perhaps a new level of commitment. Perhaps you want a new relationship altogether. The problem is that you are scared to take the next step. Rid yourself of fear.
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[Monday 30/5/05 at 8:52pm ] |
( ) smoked a cigarette
( ) smoked a cigar
(x) smoked anything else
(x) made out with a member of the same sex
( ) crashed a friend's car
(x) been in love
( ) been dumped
(x) shoplifted *WHEN I WAS FIVE.......*
( ) been fired
( ) been in a fist fight
(x)snuck out of parent's house
(x) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
( ) been arrested
(x) made out with a stranger *i was drunk and tried to....*
( ) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
( ) had a crush on a teacher
( ) skipped school
( ) slept with a co-worker
( ) seen someone die
(x) had/have a crush on one of your MYSPACE friends
(x)been to Canada
(x) been to Mexico
(x) been on a plane
( )thrown up in a bar
(x) eaten Sushi
(x) been snowboarding
( ) met someone BECAUSE of myspace
(x) been moshing at a concert
( ) been in an abusive relationship
(x) taken painkillers
(x) love someone right now
(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(x) made a snow angel
(x) had a tea party
(x) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle
(x) gone puddle jumping
(x) played dress up
(X) jumped into a pile of leaves
(X) gone sledding
(X) cheated while playing a game
(X) been lonely
(x) fallen asleep at work/school
( ) used a fake ID
(X) watched the sun set
( ) felt an earthquake
(x) touched a snake
(x) been tickled
( ) been robbed
( ) robbed someone
(x) been misunderstood
( ) pet a reindeer
(X) won a contest
(x) been suspended from school*....RIGHT....*
( )had detention
( ) been in a car accident
(x) had braces
(x)eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x)had dejavu
(x)danced in the moonlight
(X) hated the way you look
(x) witnessed a crime *IN CENTRAL PARK WITH AMANDA V*
( ) pole danced
( ) been obsessed with post-it notes
(x) squished barefoot through the mud
(x) been lost
(x) been to the opposite side of the country
(x) swam in the ocean
(x) felt like dying
(x) cried yourself to sleep
(x) played cops and robbers
(x) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
(x) sung karaoke
(x) paid for a meal with only coins
(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) made prank phone calls
( ) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose *i just cry.. idk which is worse..*
(x) caught a snowflake on your tongue
( ) kissed in the rain
(x) written a letter to Santa Clause
( ) been kissed under a mistletoe
(x) watched the sun set with someone you care about
(x) blown bubbles
( ) made a bonfire on the beach
( ) crashed a party
(x) have traveled more than 5 days with a car full of people
(X) gone rollerskating/blading
(X) had a wish come true
( ) humped a monkey
(x) worn pearls
( ) jumped off a bridge
( ) screamed "penis" in class
( ) ate dog food.
(x) told a complete stranger you loved them *in spanish!*
(X) sang in the shower
( ) have more than one suit
( ) ............ in a park
( ) ............ in the bathoom
(x) had a dream that you married someone
(x) glued your hand to something
( ) got your toungue stuck to a pole
( ) kissed a fish
(x) worn the opposite sexes clothes
( ) been a dead cheerleader 4 halloween
(x) sat on a roof top
( ) had sex at a church
(x) screamed at the top of your lungs
( ) done a one-handed cartwheel
(x) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) stayed up all night
( ) didnt take a shower for a week
(x) pick and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) climbed a tree
(x) had a tree house
(x) are scared to watch scary movies alone
(x) believe in ghosts
( ) have more then 30 pairs of shoes
(x) worn a really ugly outfit to school
( ) gone streaking at night alone
( ) played ding-dong-ditch
( )played chicken fight
( )been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
( ) been told you're hot by a complete stranger
( ) broken a bone
(x) been easily amused
( ) caught a fish then ate it-
( ) made love
(x) caught a butterfly
(x) laughed so hard you cried
(x) cried so hard you laughed
( ) mooned/flashed someone
(x) had someone moon/flash you
(x) cheated on a test
(x)forgotten someone's name
(x) slept naked
(x) French braided someones hair
(x) gone skinny dippin in a pool
( ) been kicked out of your house
(x) runaway from home *i only made it to the bridge*
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| interesting.... |
[Tuesday 3/5/05 at 6:42pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
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 curious |
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music |
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some japanese stuff |
] |
Your personal security is likely to be an important priority in May, dear Aries, but stabilizing your finances may be more complicated than you think. As Mars moves through Pisces, you could be distracted by the unpredictable behavior of others. Your own behind-the-scenes activities could be featured as well. The New Moon in Taurus on May 8 directs a challenging aspect to deceptive Neptune in Aquarius, and could produce strain in a casual relationship. Possessive behavior could also cause problems. You're likely to feel communicative and sociable as Venus moves into Gemini on May 10. It may be easy to persuade others to your way of thinking, or engage them in your pet projects. Expect surprises between May 13 and May 17 when Mars and Uranus combine. You may be feeling restless or dissatisfied if things aren't moving quite fast enough for you. But, try as you will, it may not be possible for the cosmic wheels to move any faster. You may be traveling on May 18. It is also possible that an educational or partnership activity will be rewarding. As Neptune turns retrograde midmonth, a friendship could be undergoing a subtle change. Around May 22, you may need to be a bit careful what you promise. A difficult aspect between Venus in Gemini and Mars in Pisces could encourage you to commit yourself without considering the consequences. The Full Moon in Sagittarius on May 23 may boost your enthusiasm and confidence. Romance is lighthearted and delightful at month's end.
"POSSESIVE BEHAVIOR COULD ALSO CAUSE PROBLEMS" ...............hmmmm.
imagine that.
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[Monday 2/5/05 at 6:20pm ] |
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im so fucked.
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| ooooh de la ley da lla...hmmm. |
[Saturday 23/4/05 at 7:54pm ] |
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mood |
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 CRAAAAZZYYY BITCHHH |
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| [ |
music |
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nine inch nails "the hand that feeds" |
] |
crazy times= my life
camping... sfhkdsjfs so so good but so so so so bad. especially if the tent turns out to NOT be waterproof.
but fun was had all the same
little blue men were dancing on mikes hat. i really tried to pick them off.
i have never ever ever done that much in my LIFE. ever.
too much=hallucinations
hallucinations=fucking hilarious
fucking hilarious=the desire to piss
the desire to piss (while in a tent during a fucking rain storm)=not going to happen
not going to happen=waiting until 6 in the morning to piss
waiting until 6 in the morning to piss=falling over several times
falling over several times=not so great when your half asleep and in the middle of the woods
i thinkk im QUITE done with that little thing.. i dont even know what the fuck that was... dfghkdjghkfd
im so happy its still saturday... its been such a long day.
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[Sunday 17/4/05 at 12:01pm ] |
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mood |
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 groggy |
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http://www.slamchannel.com/multimedia/ragan_heterophobia.mp3
DO THIS. LISTEN TO THIS. it is absolutley amazing and jsut... so so peircing in all the right ways and your mind will do cart wheels from the "heart-wrenching"ness that this link is.
i need to take a shower and clean up the house and do my homework and jsut tie up the loose ends.
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| this aint no funky reggae party five dollars at the door. |
[Thursday 14/4/05 at 8:56pm ] |
"its hard to keep my soul on the ground your a fool dont fuck around with my dog"
"its you its that shit stuck under my shoe its that smell inside the van its my bedsheet covered with sand gettin dog shit on my hands sticking needles in your arm feeling depressed everyday leaving without a sound living in a tweeker pad gettin yelled at by my dad finding roaches in the pot ohh all thiese things i do theyre waiting for you"
SUBLIME=MY LIFE
i am so unbeleivable stressed that im not at all. im apst the point of stressing out/pulling out of hair.... and so im wasting away my time ont his fuckin tyhing
bio test
history test
spanish test
math quiz
.......................ALL TOMMOROW................
fucking shoot me in the head.
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| i almost forgot the BIG NEWS |
[Monday 14/3/05 at 3:05pm ] |
and the big news is.... [drumroll!!!!]........... we're disecting FETAL PIGS TOMMOROW!
i am actually really really psyched for this.
OH YEAH brian parker gave me half of his apple and let michalea eat the other half and was genreally being really nice. which was... idk.. he was jsut being really nice. maybe he's taking baby steps.. MAYBE ONE DAY IN THE DISTANT FUTURE HE WILL BE ABLE TO SAY....L-E-S-B-I-A-N..... [for all who dont know, this kid refuses to swear or say boobs or.. penis or vagina or lesbian...no joke..]ohh man. im so gonna have my video camera out for that moment in history.
GAH IM SO HYPERRRRR.
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| jsut got home from school |
[Monday 14/3/05 at 2:54pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
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 (high) I WISH. jk sorta |
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music |
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I LOVE HIS FACE SO MUCH! |
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today was ok.
i played with these two mice in bio.
i didnt go to glass and metals and instwead i finished my photo project.
i decided im going to mail drawings to everyone.. instead of letters. yeah thats my plan
reminder: bring balloons for maddie on WEDNSDAY
woot woot. and i promise they'll be helium filled.
my tummy kind of hurts.
i had a very interesting conversation with chelsea and this other girl who i think her name is kayla?
well yeah. it was interesting.
alright. i think im going to eat and cram for a history test and work on my dawrings.
3 DAYS UNTIL IM IN THE CITY AGAIN.
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| back from where im supposed to be |
[Saturday 12/3/05 at 9:46pm ] |
so im back.
going there on the bus i was really nervous/anxious.. i dont know why. but i got there and i felt sad because there was no one to greet me. but i got over that fast when i saw the virgin mary light up poster things.
called chris. he was sleeping. kgjfdslhghfdgkjs.
then i was going to go to the barnes and noble around my old neighborhood but then i was like naaah, ill jsut go to columbus circle instead. so i did. asked this man where the pcs school was(professsional childrens school) and he gave me a map. went to this hotel, asked this man but all he did was talk gibberish (really, he was like kjghkdghkfdghsk waaaahhjdsfhakf) and pointed to a sign that said "all visiters must be announced". so then i went inside and asked where pcs was... incidentally it was right next door.
i didnt really know what to do so i kinda jsut pretened i was a student and walked past this gaurd/secretary desky person.... got on the elevator asked this chick if she knew martina schappert or ki choquette (not shokan.) she didnt but she showed me where "the commons" was. walked around and didnt see martina. asked someone where the cafeteria was. went there. kind of lookeda round, didnt see her, was about to leave but then i walked up to this random table and asked them if they knew martina or ki. and yaay they did. then this chick asked me if i was martinas sister. i totally should have gone with it but i was worried i wasnt going to find her or get kicked out or something so i didnt. sat with them for a while, talked about random shit and their 'professions'. they all seemed cool but gave me strange looks. then i went back up to the commons with this girl alex who is INDEED a lot like amanda v.. really intimidating... overwhwelming kind of offstandish ness. we walked up the stairs to the gym.. which was so so so cool... it had REVOLVING doors. REVOLVING DOORS. pretty damn nifty if you ask me.
then i went back to the cafeteria and then saw ki and this other kid mark... femenine. but in a cute boy way. so i sat abround with them until they said they were late for class aand promptly told me to look like a student. mark ran off and so did ki but only after he flung some random french text book at me.... yeahh. so i was sitting there and then i was talking to this girl who sang for her professiopn. she said i blended in really well. this kid kas told me i should go to their school. aaaand then [drumroll please] martina was in. i jump up and she drops everything. god her face was just... i dont eve know. completle shock. so that was fun. im glad i surprised her. so then we went to the cafeteria, she introduced me "showed me off" to her teachers ect. got to meet the kids she hangs with. talked with alex cohen who is very very cool. we all remeniced (sp?) about the good 'ol fieldston days. then i went to bio class with her, left and went to starbucks to work on ayn rand "the anthem"... for my scholarhsip essay.
i saw a man with a completley RED shopping cart. loved every inch of it.
had a good 5-10 minute conversation with a homeless man. about life. it was nice. he was nice. the whole thing was nice and it was sunny too.
then met up with ki and amrtina and hung around at their school for an hour maybe?>
good good times.
we walked around, buoght monique a gift.. and yeah
6:30 rolled around. went to ruby foos. felt really weird/out of place/like a leftover
everyone has moved on. we're still stuck with our emotions. we're still here, trying to figure out how this could have all come about. monique has met new friends. ebony has her own thing going. so does sherry. everyone does. it was so superficial. like" hey theres the chicks who got kicked out. lets say hey cause its the "right" thing to do" most of the people i didnt even really talk to in the first palce. besides nick and cory. martina i forgot my rock.
today sucked.
the bus in nj was late.
i was feeling really lonley.
i was hoping someone would randomly pop up and decide hey lets go to fucking CHICHESTER [the fghskgh place on earth.]
but no one did. so i sat there as my ipod slowly died. it was jsut sucky.
BUT. i woke up around the woodstock stop, and looked out my window and who did i see? well, im sure some of you have a good guess. it made me slightly happy.
alright. im so tired right now i need to go. i was hoping chris would be online. but hes not. its just vinnies lovely away message "FUCK OFF".
alright, i hope all of your sundays are lovely and sun-filled. peace.
OH., my mom dragged me to robs house. i was attacked with a plastic HUGE blow up dolphin and some weird dart things. perfect ending to a long day, eh?
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[Tuesday 8/3/05 at 5:15pm ] |
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proud to be a HERO DOLL.
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starrylike's journal
STUDY LIKE SILLY PUTTY
